bertram - Reconnecting to Self

Relationship to self, what is it?

As a clinician, I often find myself asking a client a relatively simple question such as, how do you feel about that? Surprisingly, what I often hear is I don?t know. Now though that may seem trivial, it strikes me how many of us are often truly out of touch with how we feel, or what we want, or what we like or dislike. maybe we once knew the answers to those questions, but suddenly we find we really aren?t sure anymore. This means somewhere along the line, for whatever reason, we have lost touch with ourselves. We have lost that essential and deep connection to our self. Everything stems from our relationship to self, our thoughts, beliefs, how we interact with others and our perception of the world around us. when we have a centered and healthy relationship with ourselves, then we are better able to navigate our lives from that same centered and healthy place which allows us to get through the ups and downs of life easier and take a more mindful approach to our lives.

It takes a mindful approach. a mindful approach promotes empathy and compassion for the self as well as others. This in turn cultivates mental well-being and enhances our physical and spiritual health. it is really about listening and attunement to your inner world. it means creating resourcefulness within yourself and trusting your unique inner knowledge. when we are able to slow things down we can increase our moment to moment awareness, enabling us to take in the subtleties around us. This tunes us in to our world.. our own world, the one in which we live from day-to-day. This helps us to cultivate and stay connected to that relationship to self.

Why do we lose it?

There are many reasons and many ways we lose touch with who we are. For some, it may be an effect of growing up and taking on more responsibilities, or doing for others until we forget about doing for ourselves. some of us are married too busy with our relationship and children to make time for ourselves. Others may one day wake up and find the children don?t need the time and attention they once did and find themselves becoming increasingly anxious or depressed because they have this empty void to fill. Let?s face it life moves fast and it is easy to get caught up in the flow. even with the best of intentions and efforts to make me time each week; we may find we have let go of many things that once brought us so much pleasure. For some people a strong sense of self may have never truly have been formed once they left adolescence behind and came crashing into adulthood.

What does it look like when we lose that connection?

Losing connection to our true self may manifest as uncertainty about the things we want or that are good for us. it may mean we would never spend money on something as frivolous as a massage, a pedicure, or dinner at that pricey restaurant we?d love to go to one day ? let alone take ourselves on a retreat or vacation. maybe even the thought of soaking in a hot bath with nice smelling oils and lit candles seems too extravagant on a weeknight just because. Often fear develops, fear of being alone, fear of not succeeding. But what is fear? I like to think of it as an acronym, F.E.a.R. for ? False Evidence Appearing Real. Often there is no real evidence to back up the fears we create, and it?s our negative thinking that feeds into these fears helping them to grow into more a believable reality. Take the time to think about that the next time fear becomes an obstacle for you.

Believe in yourself and your ability to change your thoughts and in turn your life. change will happen. For some, a strong dependence on others may develop. This may be seen most often within the context of intimate relationships, like those who go from relationship to relationship just because they can?t face being by themselves. Or maybe they settle for an unhealthy or loveless relationship because being with someone is better than being alone. some people who have lost their connection to self may have trouble spending time by themselves, or put themselves down, with self-deprecating thoughts and behaviors. when a person does not love and appreciate themselves, they often allow others to treat them poorly. They may feel they are unworthy or undeserving of doing or having someone else do something nice for themselves. other may develop lethargy and lose their motivation to make positive change in their lives, whether that means leaving a job they can?t stand or going back to school or making important decisions. Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we begin to think about approaching life differently and clueing in to our true self. someone who struggles to speak up for them self may feel that their thoughts, feelings or opinions aren?t really important, or perhaps they feel too intimidated to say anything. again, how we treat ourselves all goes back to our relationship to self. This is the base from which we develop our sense of the world around us, and having a strong, healthy relationship to self empowers us to seek others relationships that are healthy and bring more joy into our lives because it is what we want and we know we deserve that.

Why is it important?

Having a solid relationship to self means we know ourselves. by knowing who we are, not just as a mother, or a partner or an employee or professional, but truly knowing our self, we develop a sense of centeredness within ourselves. We enjoy time by ourselves whether we are doing something alone or doing nothing and just enjoying that space and time without feeling that nervous energy or feeling like we have to fill every moment until we can be with others again or get back to our busy routine. when we have a healthy relationship to self, we begin to treat ourselves well. why should we wait for someone else to buy us something we like? Or take us for a drive through the mountains or find someone who wants to go with us to yoga or dance classes or that interesting sounding lecture we?d like to attend. when we like who we are and see ourselves as whole we will do the things we like simply because we like them, whether or not we have to do them alone.

Getting to know ourselves also means developing a trust with ourselves, trusting that we will not let ourselves down or allow someone else to treat us in a way that does not feel good. it means learning to trust that small, quiet voice inside of us that in hindsight seems to know the right choices before we realize it intellectually. This is the voice of intuition. We all have it. some people may call it Mother?s intuition or that gut feeling. The truth is, we have an aspect of self that knows what is good for us and what feels right.. but often we dismiss or ignore that aspect. only to think later, I knew it I should have listened to myself Listening to what our inner wisdom has to tell us will never steer us wrong. This is the part of self that we often lose touch with because we are so busy running on auto pilot, or reacting from our emotions. a big part of developing a stronger relationship with our self is learning to trust that voice. make it our trusted, reliable friend. Afterall. it?s a part of us.. it isn?t going anywhere no matter how many times we turn our back on it or ignore it.

Fostering motivation is also key when nurturing a relationship to self ? when our motivation is genuine ? it keeps us on track. when we are other-focused or moving forward with regrets or negative feelings, we lose our motivation.

How do we get it or get it back?

Ask yourself, do you treat yourself like you would treat your best friend?

Take the time to begin getting back in touch with who you are. learn to treat yourself well and appreciate time spent alone.

I like to think of this process as standing on a deserted highway and looking out at the road as it stretches into the horizon as far as the eye can see. The road represents the path leading to abundant possibilities and openness to the opportunities that lie ahead of us. An easy way to remember this is C?ing the Road or the acronym C-ROAD. Nurturing a relationship to ourselves isn?t a difficult thing to do. however, it takes Commitment, Recognition, Openness, Acceptance, and Desire.

Commitment to change. once we have accepted who, where, and what we are we need to commit to working towards what we want. This takes daily effort to do what we can with what we have. Change your thoughts and beliefs. not believing you are limited, those beliefs only impose such limitations. This may be as simple as reframing your negative thoughts into more positive ones to get yourself through the day. it means going inside to that inner world that exists within us all, really listening and deciding what the meaning is of what we are hearing. (e.g., Hmmm.. I don?t like the way this feels, maybe that means I leave or I cancel my plans. )

Recognition that change is needed. so you are unhappy, or maybe you find yourself getting into one bad relationship after the other, or making choices and decisions that you later regret over and over again because you just weren?t sure about what you wanted to do. Recognizing that something needs to change in order for things to be different is the initial step.

This also includes tackling your fears to take the next step.

Openness ? being open to what may manifest. There are many ways to do this, but some of the active ways we can foster a sense of openness may be through giving back. maybe this means volunteering with an organization that holds our interest or has a cause that is meaningful to us. maybe it means helping out a friend, family member or colleague. when we do this we cultivate gratefulness, and appreciation for ourselves and others. it is important to explore our likes and interests. maybe we are at a place in life where we aren?t sure of what we these are anymore. getting out there and trying things out is a way to figure out first hand if something resonates with us or if we?d like to do it again. when we have expectations, we set ourselves up to be disappointed. going out with no expectations and staying open to whatever the outcome may be is the best way to prevent that.

Acceptance of who you are and what you?ve got. We are all unique individuals, that?s part of the juice in life. We come in all shapes, sizes, and abilities. We are all imperfect which really means we are perfect and whole just as we are. though it?s great to have goals and dreams and desires, and move towards those, when we are constantly wanting what we don?t have, or wishing for what we can?t be we deny our true self. when we think of what we lack we don?t appreciate what we have. This is the difference between negative and positive energy. when we come from a place of positive thinking, we put more positive energy out and receive more positive energy back. On the flip side, when we are stuck in negativity, it becomes like quick sand and sucks us down further and further. We have so many strengths and so much value just because we are. Rediscovering these things is another part of cultivating that relationship to self. Accept what is and be grateful.. that?s the energy that will help elicit the change in how you treat yourself.

Desire to make changes necessary. without true desire it?s just another good intention. True desire is like being stuck in the desert under the hot sun and you find you are out of water and all you can think about is that first, long, cool drink.

When we have true desire to make the changes we crave, we will begin to experience small changes. when we have a better sense of who we are as a person, our feelings and thoughts, our likes and dislikes, our needs and wants, then we know what to ask for and can educate others on how we want to be treated.

Some of us may not know how to get in touch with our feelings and thoughts; this is something that is learned. Perhaps we were never taught how to do that, and have never given the time or the attention to check in with ourselves in that way. Tuning in to the physical body is a good way to initiate that connection. Paying attention, cultivating mindfulness and going inward and considering what is going on within us physically. try asking questions such as, why does my stomach feel weird? or, how come I am getting a strange feeling right now? Scan your body to see if you feel tension anywhere. Is your heart racing? What is that telling you? when we know ourselves, specifically the inner self, we become empowered to make good things happen for ourselves, knowing we deserve it and we have the power to do that for ourselves.

Tags: nervous energy, perception, ups, relationship

Source: http://chatterbridge.info/reconnecting/reconnecting-to-self/

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